DundeeChest 3.0

Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category

Lifted (due to its genius) completely from the Onion website.

RICHMOND, VA—Executives at Philip Morris USA this week unveiled Marlboro Earth, a new eco-friendly cigarette that gradually eliminates the causes of global warming and environmental destruction at their source.

“By killing off the No. 1 threat to the environment, new Marlboro Earths will have a long-term effect on the overall health of our planet,” Philip Morris spokesperson Janet Weiss said. “If everyone in America does their part and joins our new green-smoking movement, then together we can eradicate man’s destructive practices once and for all.”

According to a press release from Philip Morris, the new environmentally friendly cigarettes work by employing powerful carcinogens that accumulate in the lungs of smokers, slowly breaking down their vital organs and eliminating the danger posed to the overpopulated planet by the human race.

Because Marlboro Earths take decades to work, the company stresses that people should start using them as early as possible, ideally during childhood or adolescence, in order to maximize the product’s effectiveness.

“We’ve got to get everybody on board, the sooner the better,” said Weiss, stressing that nothing less than the fate of the planet was at stake. “It doesn’t take much. As few as two packs of Marlboro Earths a day can make all the difference in the world.”

“Go ahead,” Weiss continued. “Light up, breathe in, and help save Mother Earth.”

Although industry research indicates people do offer some secondary benefits to the planet, such as recycling programs and wind power generators, studies have concluded these efforts fail to offset the disastrous potential of humanity.

According to Philip Morris, Marlboro Earths are the first green product to address that threat head-on.

“Wildlife habitat encroachment, climate change, the exploitation of precious natural resources—they can all become a thing of the past,” said James Freedman, a member of the marketing team tasked with branding the new product. “Smoke these cool, clean Marlboro Earths every chance you get, and you’ll reduce your carbon footprint to zero in no time.”

Added Freedman, “Plus, you’ll look really sophisticated and glamorous while doing it.”

The new cigarettes, released in limited test-market cities over the past two months, will be ready for a national rollout in mid-June. An ad campaign with the slogan “Marlboro Earth: Saving the Environment One Customer at a Time” has already been launched, and the product’s iconic new packaging, which is similar to the traditional Marlboro design but also features a tree, is reportedly testing “through the roof” with consumers.

In initial product trials, the eco-cigarettes have proven popular among smokers.

“I leave work three to five times a day to stand outside and help the environment,” said longtime smoker Sam Davies, an office worker in Raleigh, NC. “And the best thing about them is they make saving the planet incredibly addictive. After only a few hours, I get the uncontrollable urge to go out and help the environment some more.”

Philip Morris executives stressed that the new cigarettes, which contain the same great taste smokers have come to expect from Marlboro, but with nearly three times the tar and carbon monoxide, could make a huge difference in as little as 40 to 50 years, cutting down on urban sprawl, overpopulation, and eventually helping to enrich the soil with powerful fertilizers.

Whilst Jamie Oliver concentrates on getting school dinners back on the government’s agenda, I’ve been slaving away on some formative assessments for the upcoming second year respiratory block. There’s only three of them there just now, but it’s a start, and there’ll be more once I get around to writing them. Currently there are EMI questions, but we’ll expand that into MCQ, short answers, best of 5, that sort of thing. Hopefully this will become a useful bank of questions for you all. I know that one of the new 3rd year students is setting up a website dedicated to collating past paper questions, I’ll link to her site once she has it up and running.

No I’m not a militant vegetarian, I wouldn’t be able to cope with all the hemp and Tofu. I just love the eye-catching nature of this piece from a consumer health blog about choking hazards – “About 17 percent of food-related asphyxiations were caused by hot dogs.” Despite the original press release from the American Academy of Pediatrics mentioning nary a word about processed pig snouts being the biggest killer since smallpox, there has apparently been a move to redesign the hotdog. As one statement author Gary Smith put it, “If you were to take the best engineers in the world and try to design the perfect plug for a child’s airway, it would be a hot dog,” One could only assume they would be working for Dr. Evil in this task.

Perhaps we simply need to encourage increased use of condiment lubrication and practice  our skills at removing these pig fingers from the right main bronchus? If nothing else, I’m sure our great british press will be able to torture this information into assuring us that Cumberland rings are better for your health.

“If meat is murder, is Quorn just wasting police time?” Armando Iannucci

I know this has nothing to do with respiratory medicine, but it’s really good… So good, I’m starting a new category for related posts. I’m the admin, I can do what I like!

This weekend is the Drive4COPD 300 at the Daytona International Speedway (Where DundeeChest spent his Honeymoon; true story). I can find no information regarding the Drive4COPD bit, but I assume it’s to promote the plight of CODP sufferers? All that particulate matter floating about in the pit lane must have something to do with, mustn’t it?

The race is today, and Tom Petty will drive the pace car, only a 5 litre V8 mustang, or something. Who will win? Who will drive round in a circle 120 times? The outcome will be determined on….. the last corner probably.

Apparently the 300 mile race is a sprint.

There’s a latin (or Greek) name for everything in medicine. Have you heard the Amateur Transplants song about latin names, Dorsal Horn Concerto?

You must say things like defacate, micturate, copulate. You can’t say things, like……

If you’ve not heard the song, you can go to their online shop, buy the first album, and the proceeds go to Macmillan Cancer.

I digress.

What name do you give to ‘stuff the patient coughs up? If it’s blood it’s haemoptysis, if it’s anything else it’s…. Sputum? Gob? Spit? Loogie? What if it’s something a bit solid.

This week’s BMJ has a short article about a man who coughed up a big blob of tissue, which turned out to be a bit of tumour. They suggest Histoptysis as a Greek name for coughing up bits of tissue. Or Oncoptysis for coughing up bits of tumour specifically.

Will it catch on?

Alternative medicine, irks me.  Complimentary medicine I have no problems with whatsoever, but I find it very difficult to accept those who shun accepted medical practices in favour of solely alternative therapies.  Homeopathy particularly.  So the folks over at Homeopathy 1023 are trying to show the lack of efficacy of homeopathic treatments by encouraging a deliberate mass overdose of a homeopathic treatment.

The new BTS Asthma guidelines review the evidence for alternative therapies, eventually concluding that there is no evidence to support any homeopathic treatment in asthma, along with dietary supplements, electrolyte supplements, ionisers, buteyko technique….

“Do you know what they call alternative medicine that’s been proven to work…..?  Medicine” – Tim Minchin, “Storm”.

Not strictly safe for work this next video, but if you have 9 minutes to listen to a beat poem….